We keep our heads down, trying to not bring attention to ourselves.

I only have two single mother friends, and I don't see many other single mothers in my local community. However, I am know there are more of us around here. The SC State Budget and Control Board reports 37.7% of births to single mothers and 27.1% of children living in single parent families in my county. So why don’t I see more of us?

Maybe because we need to keep our heads down.

I live in a conservative state that calls for family values but ranks among the lowest on the measurements that would demonstrate real value for families. One could see this as a failure of our state's political and social systems. One could see this as politicians saying one thing, then doing another. One could see it as a failure to put into action the Christian values that color the dominant political vision.

But that is not how it gets spun here in South Carolina. Instead, the general belief is that it is not "us" who is causing the problems. It is "them" -- those without family values, those immoral women who raise children without marriage. Single moms become the scapegoats for our state's problems.

I've had people say to my face that "single mothers are killing this state." When I point out that I am a single mother, they say, "But not you." Even though my existence and that of other single mothers of all ethnicities, classes, and sexualities disproves the stereotype, they choose to believe I am an exception to the rule rather than rethinking the rule altogether. The stereotype runs deep into racial and class prejudices, and it's hard to change.

So, why should we speak up? Let ourselves be labeled? Better to go about our days, quietly raising our families, working our jobs, and caring for our communities.

Or is it?

If we continue to be silent, we won't know how to find one another. We will leave those definitions of single motherhood unchallenged. We will find ourselves alone in the middle of a community that doesn't understand us. We need to help others understand, and to do that, we need to let others see us. The invisibility of real single mothers serves no one but those who would make us scapegoats.

So, consider stepping up and stepping out, and don't let southern single motherhood be defined by anyone other than us.