Green leaves, red buds, azaleas, daffodils. Spring is here. Michael took me to the Edisto River today, to a public landing not far from his farm. The tea-colored water moved swiftly, looking cool and smooth and inviting. I wish it had been warmer. I wanted to swim, like I did in the Neuse River when I was growing up. My friend Jennifer's family kept their horses close by the river, and we would take my pony Rainyday there to ride and swim. Today made me want to be in a river like that again.

Maybe next month.

For me, oil changes happen . . . well, sporadically. I could use some help, for sure, as could many other single mothers. Brian Smith of the Register News Writer in Richmond, KY, reports on a southern church practicing the values it preaches -- by supporting single mothers:

Rain may have dampened the First Baptist Church parking lot Saturday morning, but it couldn’t dampen the spirits of the volunteers who turned out for the church’s second “Single Mom’s Oil Change.” The event provides a free oil change for single mothers, and in drier weather, a car wash as well.

Jeff Prosser, associate pastor at the church, said even if the rain kept turnout low, the event was still a success.

“Even if just one mother shows up, that makes it all worthwhile,” Prosser said.

The church had 70 cars come through for the first event in September, Prosser said, and volunteers were expecting a similar turnout Saturday.

Continue reading . . .

I know I often post about the hypocrisy of some religious organizations. It's nice to catch 'em proving me wrong.

Bristol Palin and Single Motherhood

Julie Shapiro, a family law professor at the University of Seattle School of Law, is watching the coverage of Bristol Palin's move from the soon-to-be-married mother category into the single mother role. She asserts that many people would like to see Bristol married, thus out of the negative "single mom" category all together. In another blog post, Shapiro explains why: "the cure we often seek is to assign the single-mother family a man to be the “missing” father. Alternative solutions (good child-care, flexible workplaces, adequate health care, general parental support services) are rarely considered." As I watch Bristol being taken care of by her extended family and her community, I can't help but see a more "compassionate conservative" response that could serve as a better model for addressing single motherhood than the current one of punishment, blame, and shunning that coerces too-young marriage on top of too-young parenthood. Cynthia Tucker from the Atlanta Constitution says "Bristol’s unplanned motherhood offers us another chance to get beyond blame and look for solutions." I agree.

Interestingly enough, the Palin family is employing an an age-old model. In matrilineal and matrilocal societies like the ancient Cherokee, the sexual bond was not believed to be strong enough to sustain a family. The mother and her children stayed with her family -- to be visited by the father of the children. The primary male influence on the child (very important to the Cherokee) came from the maternal grandfathers and uncles. This way, no matter the status of the marriage between the mother and the father -- the children were secure, safe, and supported by both male and female role models. So, perhaps the Palin family has it right. Bristol and her out-of-wedlock child may have a better chance of financial success if Bristol doesn't marry and stays with her family instead.

Don't get me wrong. I am no fan of Bristol's mother. I am, however, impressed with her support of her daughter, especially because of its political implications.

If we accept that teenage single mothers like Bristol deserve support from their families and community, then that suggests that other teenage single mothers may also be deserving of support, not blame and shunning. So what about the ones without families to support them? Where will they and their children get support? These are the questions that Bristol's example raises.

However, I know how this will work. Conservatives tend to the hypocritical -- "what is true for me, isn't true for them." Other families aren't, well, as "good" as the Palin family. So, the Palin family will do what it must, but despite this stunning example of a how we can support teenage single mothers differently, the conservative vision will remain the same. Sadly.

But here in the south, where we pride ourselves on strong family ties -- shouldn't we do better than to abandon our teenage daughters and their children to their own fates, hide the wrongs by quick marriages, or schedule secret adoptions or abortions to save public face? We can do better. And we should.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reports that:

* At the time of their child's birth, more than half of unmarried teen mothers say they are either "certain" or chances are "good" they will marry the biological father of their child. However, 8 out of 10 fathers don't ever marry the teen mother of their child.
* Despite high expectations for marriage, fewer than 8% of teen mothers marry their baby's father within one year of the birth of their child.
* Teenagers who have a non-marital birth are also significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who do not have babies as teens.
* Marriage among teens is rare -- in 2002 only 2.5% of teens had ever been married, compared to 11% in 1975.
* As recently as 1980, the majority of teen births (52%) were marital births. By 2002, only 20% of teen births occurred within marriage.
* Teen marriages are twice as likely to fail as marriages in which the woman is at least 25 years old.
* It is also the case that most single mothers of all ages who have a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy remain single and most cohabiting mothers either continue cohabiting or break up with their partner.

I know that young women who become pregnant while in high school face significant problems -- and getting an education is one of them. We in the south aren't kind to our teenage moms. We tend to want them to disappear from our schools so they don't "corrupt" other young women. We don't provide the support they need to finish high school and raise their children at the same time, but then we blame them for their own poverty. Not really fair, is it? Nor does it make good business sense. World-wide research shows us that if we educate a woman, we improve the life of her family. We need to apply that knowledge when we make decisions about our own young mothers' educations.

When single mothers fail at mothering, it's not because because they are single. They fail because they are poor. Educate a woman, and you give her and her children a better financial future. Kelly White, Director of the Chicago Foundation for Women, says in Obama's Budget Could Do More for Single Moms, "If there's one thing I want to emphasize again, it's that when women are put at the center of solutions to this financial crisis, they rise up, and when women's lives improve, so do their families, communities and the national economy."

Caleb R. Johnson of the Selma Times-Journal reports on a program in Selma, AL, that is providing single moms with a second chance.

Left, Tomessa Blevins and her daughter Leandrea Givan and right Laronica Irby and her son Gabriel. Blevins and Irby participate in the Evenstart Program, a program designed to help single mothers receive a GED.

Left, Tomessa Blevins and her daughter Leandrea Givan and right Laronica Irby and her son Gabriel. Blevins and Irby participate in the Evenstart Program, a program designed to help single mothers receive a GED.

Laronica Irby could not drive a car yet when she quit school. At a tender 15 years old, Irby walked away from the world of blackboards, teachers and books.

Soon, she got pregnant. A high school diploma seemed as distant as the clouds. Diapers, bottles and pacifiers consumed her every waking moment. For two years, she hardly gave her education another thought.

Last summer she heard about a program designed for women like her - women who wanted a second chance.

WHY DIVORCE?

Single moms are getting bashed in the media because critics claim fathers are important in their children's lives. I completely agree. But I don't agree that all fathers (or mothers, for that matter) are necessarily good for their children. Or that all marriages are good for their children. Biological connection doesn't make a parent good. Nor does a wedding ring make a home stable. This writer says it well.

Some Single Parents ‘Can Get It Right’
Thursday, 05 March 2009
Macon County News

I wholly agree with Mr. Crockett that children do “have a right to be nourished and maintained by both parents, till they are able to provide for themselves.” Children also have a right to live in an environment that is not weighted down with hostility, violence, drunkenness, drug abuse or other ills found in society today. The point Mr. Crockett is missing, the decision to divorce is very painful; it is not be made casually or in haste.

In every action of our daily lives, we are molding our children’s futures. If we drive drunk, use drugs, spend family money on cigarettes and alcohol rather than groceries and medical care, we teach our children to be irresponsible. If we tolerate emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, we teach our children it’s acceptable to be abused. If we tolerate infidelity in our marriage, we teach our children they don’t deserve better from their spouse. Yes, by divorcing, we set an example for our children . . .

TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE

POLAR BEAR SWIM

I know people think southerners are a little bit crazy. We like to think of it as being mildly eccentric.

Today, I could have proved it to you at the Dunleavy's Pub Polar Bear Swim on Sullivan's Island where I joined hundreds of costumed people who jumped into the ocean to help bring in the New Year. You can check out some video from this year that shows the pre-splash and video of the event of a previous year that shows the run to the water. The event also happens to be a fundraiser for the Special Olympics of South Carolina. This was my second year taking the plunge, and the first dating challenge for a new guy.

Michael and I were running late. I carried a blanket (for the post-swim warm up), a change of clothes, and a beach bag. Michael had his change of clothes and a flask of Crown Royal (also for the post-swim warm up). We had our bathing suits on beneath sweaters and jackets and jeans and warm shoes. As we race-walked through Dunleavy's, Michael looked longingly at the non-swimmers sitting around fire barrels with beer in their hands: "Now these are my type of folks." As we turned the corner onto the beach path, he said, "I've trained with some of the best military folks in the world, and I can tell you, I can't imagine why in the world I am going in this water when I am not following a direct order." I gave him a look that I hoped stood in for a direct order.

Then, we heard the horn and shouts from warm people hitting cold water. As we got to the beach, the hundreds of people were coming back in from the water, though some were still going in, screaming as they came up out of their dives. We headed for the water to join them, Michael fighting his well-honed survival instinct that told him to run the other way.

I walked past girls in pink tutus, boys in drag, a few Santas in Speedos. Parents carried their giggling, shivering children. A man in a tuxedo top and swim suit bottoms gave a red rose to a girl in a bell skirt and bikini top. A man with the biggest, hairiest naked belly I have ever seen stood in the surf having his picture taken. A few heads bobbed out beyond the breakers and showed no inclination toward getting out of the water. Kite surfers in wet suits defied gravity on top of the waves.

We stripped off the shirts, sweaters, pants, and coats. The wind cut through my suddenly exposed swim suit. Michael tried to look like he was having a good time. I gave him credit for trying.

A young mother ran up to us. "Are you all going in? Can I come with with you?" Her four-year-old daughter cheered us on as we ran into the surf.

We dove in. I couldn't breathe. My skin tingled. My toes and fingers went numb. I came up to the surface with a shout. And I ran right back out. I may be eccentric but I'm not crazy.

The reward? That feeling of coming in from the cold to warm room. Under a blanket, I stripped down and put on my dry clothes. Michael wrapped me in a warm coat. He stood there, wet and cold but more worried about me than himself. He squeezed my shoulders.

He must really like me to not complain.

"Happy New Year," he said with a kiss.

SOUTHERN SINGLE MOMS HOPE TO START OWN BUSINESS

TRYON, NC - A group of single mothers never dreamed a small black laptop box filled with scraps could become an opportunity to provide their children with presents this Christmas, but it did.

The women are using the discarded fabrics, buttons, sticks and even ham bones to create beautiful dolls that rival collectibles sold in expensive shops and boutiques. Prices start at $10, but most cost about $35.

The mothers started about a month ago, and the dolls are for sale at the Red Clover Gallery in Landrum through Wednesday.

The women say they won't stop making the dolls after the holidays. Each is sewn by hand and has a story to tell.

Dolls with names like "Hero" and "My Little Ginger Baby" are some of the latest creations.

The sewers' fingers have small scratches and scars from working so hard, but they hope making dolls can become a full-time business and a way out of poverty.

Read the rest of the article . . .

You can contact the Red Clover Gallery at (864) 457-3311 or info (at) redclovergallery.com

Supporting single mothers -- it isn't about bailouts or handouts. It's about finding what someone can do, and helping her do it.

Ok. You're in a jam. You need a last minute gift for a mama friend. Let me help you. Go to Brain, Child, and order a subscription. Get one for yourself, too. You won't be sorry.

This is a magazine mothers will love. Smart. Witty. Challenging. And it is published out of Virginia -- so while not overtly a southern magazine -- it grows out of the southern tradition of smart, strong, capable mothers. So, it is my favorite southern mothering magazine.

Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers was founded in 1999 by Jennifer Niesslein and Stephanie Wilkinson, two friends who had babies under a year old. The pair, both with backgrounds in journalism, were itching for writing about motherhood that spoke to them. There were plenty of outlets for child-rearing tips and expert advice, but not a source of smart writing that delved into the meatier issues of that life-altering experience: motherhood.

After a year of planning, Brain, Child's first issue was published in March 2000. It included essays by Barbara Kingsolver and Susan Cheever, a feature on the new academic field of ethnopediatrics, a debate on the merits of family bed, fiction, and essays by mothers addressing the stuff of real-life parenting (swearing off swearing, or selective reduction, for example). That year, the magazine was named by Utne Reader as one of the five best new magazines in the country.

Brain, Child is the only print literary magazine dedicated to motherhood. Contributors have included Pulitzer Prize-winning novelists Jane Smiley and Anne Tyler, best-selling author Barbara Ehrenreich, and acclaimed writers Antonya Nelson, Alice Hoffman, and Susan Maushart.

Here, at the first roast of the season, I stand, holding my knife, my glove ready. Dan and Michael carry a metal bin full of steaming oysters between them, gripping the handles. They tip the bin, and the oysters spill out on the table with a clunk. People gather around, jostling for position. The usual jokes. The usual laughter. I'm ignoring them. I take a swig of beer as I try to be polite and let others make a small pile in front of their position. It's the southern way. That politeness. But then I get my hands on mine and start my own pile.

I grip the biggest one, its small ridges crumbling a little in my glove. I put the tip of the knife in the joint in the back, and I wiggle. Nothing. Not a thing. I push harder. Then, with a crack, it opens. Juice spills down my arms, soaking my shirt sleeves. I smell like fish, brine, pluff mud. I pull the oyster from the shell, fat and juicy, and dip it in the cocktail sauce, thick with horseradish. It tastes of the sea and suntan lotion and sand and all that winter is not. I am loving for the first time in my life the months with an "r" in them.

Of course, I had eaten raw oysters before, dainty halves in their sterile ice trays. But not like this. Not steaming hot from the grill, spread thick on a plywood table where I stand opening them myself. Not pulled from the shell thick and firm and washed down with cold beer and loud music. Not hands full of mud and arms covered with juice and feet tired from standing.

My fellow liberals from other parts of the country sometimes ask me, quietly, as if there is some shame in it, "Why do you stay in South Carolina?" If they could come to an oyster roast with me, they might see why.

We keep our heads down, trying to not bring attention to ourselves.

I only have two single mother friends, and I don't see many other single mothers in my local community. However, I am know there are more of us around here. The SC State Budget and Control Board reports 37.7% of births to single mothers and 27.1% of children living in single parent families in my county. So why don’t I see more of us?

Maybe because we need to keep our heads down.

I live in a conservative state that calls for family values but ranks among the lowest on the measurements that would demonstrate real value for families. One could see this as a failure of our state's political and social systems. One could see this as politicians saying one thing, then doing another. One could see it as a failure to put into action the Christian values that color the dominant political vision.

But that is not how it gets spun here in South Carolina. Instead, the general belief is that it is not "us" who is causing the problems. It is "them" -- those without family values, those immoral women who raise children without marriage. Single moms become the scapegoats for our state's problems.

I've had people say to my face that "single mothers are killing this state." When I point out that I am a single mother, they say, "But not you." Even though my existence and that of other single mothers of all ethnicities, classes, and sexualities disproves the stereotype, they choose to believe I am an exception to the rule rather than rethinking the rule altogether. The stereotype runs deep into racial and class prejudices, and it's hard to change.

So, why should we speak up? Let ourselves be labeled? Better to go about our days, quietly raising our families, working our jobs, and caring for our communities.

Or is it?

If we continue to be silent, we won't know how to find one another. We will leave those definitions of single motherhood unchallenged. We will find ourselves alone in the middle of a community that doesn't understand us. We need to help others understand, and to do that, we need to let others see us. The invisibility of real single mothers serves no one but those who would make us scapegoats.

So, consider stepping up and stepping out, and don't let southern single motherhood be defined by anyone other than us.

South Carolina puts sex offenders who prey on children in jail up to 15 years and charges them with a felony crime -- unless that sexual predator is related to his victim. Then he gets probation, therapy, or maybe one year in jail.

A sexual predator is a sexual predator, regardless of who he chooses to molest. Family members who attack other family members should not get off so easy. This law needs to be changed.

SECTION 16-15-20. Incest. (from the South Carolina Legislature website)

“Any persons who shall have carnal intercourse with each other within the following degrees of relationship, to wit:

(1) A man with his mother, grandmother, daughter, granddaughter, stepmother, sister, grandfather's wife, son's wife, grandson's wife, wife's mother, wife's grandmother, wife's daughter, wife's granddaughter, brother's daughter, sister's daughter, father's sister or mother's sister; or

(2) A woman with her father, grandfather, son, grandson, stepfather, brother, grandmother's husband, daughter's husband, granddaughter's husband, husband's father, husband's grandfather, husband's son, husband's grandson, brother's son, sister's son, father's brother or mother's brother;

Shall be guilty of incest and shall be punished by a fine of not less than five hundred dollars or imprisonment not less than one year in the Penitentiary, or both such fine and imprisonment.”

SECTION 16-15-140. Committing or attempting lewd act upon child under sixteen. (from the SC website)

“It is unlawful for a person over the age of fourteen years to wilfully and lewdly commit or attempt a lewd or lascivious act upon or with the body, or its parts, of a child under the age of sixteen years, with the intent of arousing, appealing to, or gratifying the lust or passions or sexual desires of the person or of the child.

A person violating the provisions of this section is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be fined in the discretion of the court or imprisoned not more than fifteen years, or both.”

What can you do?

Contact SC legislators to express your disapproval of this law, no matter where you are from. You can contact them through:

* The SC House of Representatives list of members
* The SC State Senate list of members or contact Glenn McConnell at senator@glennmcconnell.com

And you can:

* Leave a post here expressing your opinion
* Write a letter to a SC newspaper or TV news station
* Forward this information to friends